Evan Ray Jones III
Premise: Snotball and the search for the golden fire hydrant in the ancient PETCO store.
Sentence 1: A car pulls up, and door slides open suddenly pair of furry paws appear. It is Snotball the adventure seeking pup. Standing in front of the ancient PETCO store.
Sentence 2: A voice comes from inside the car, “Alright Snotball now I’ll be back in few minutes here’s a quarter for the golden fire hydrant.” A coin then is tossed through the air landing in her furry paw and she is off on her adventure.
Sentence 3: Snotball opens the stone store doors to find the golden fire hydrant in the distance. With a devilish smile on her face and with a step forward when the ground gives way on the path towards her goal stopping her in her tracks.
Sentence 4: Seeing this Snotball then starts to look around for something to use. Seeing nothing she remembers the quarter brother gave her. Holding the quarter up to a small hole of light in the ceiling, Snotball uses it to reflect the light off of the quarter to see the floor reappearing right in front of her.
Sentence 5: Snotball begins her walk over to the Golden fire hydrant, though getting the feeling she is being watched. Upon reaching the golden fire hydrant Snotball takes the quarter and puts it in the slot. Grabbing the fire hydrant she starts to feel the ground shake underneath her paws.
Sentence 6: Snotball then looks up to see what suddenly appears to be a giant hair ball coming toward her with great speed. Before Snotball can even move the giant hair ball is already on top of her. As it rolls towards the door Snotball says in a discussing tone. "Ewwww, it’s in my fur, it’s in my fur."
Sentence 7: As the giant hair ball rolls it hits the door sending Snotball flying through the air. Landing right in front of the car door. Now soaking wet and breathing heavily she enters the car and it drives off. "Brother, next time we're ordering it off the paw net."
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4 comments:
I see that your story is based on adventure. Maybe instead of doing such a literal concept as a dog and a fire hydrant, try a metaphor of some sort. There are millions of "adventures" you could portray. Think of something in your life. What is something that you have tried to do or something you have tried to get. Or at least something that humans can relate to. You could have a character that represents someone and the obstacles in its path are metaphors to challenges on the way. And the reward at the end is a metaphor for the end goal.
And example might be:
Maybe going with the racoon example from class (racoons reach into holes for shiny things and get stuck b/c they won't let go)
Say you have a racoon type creature (like the book we looked at in class of the crazy looking rabbits...make it look enough like a racoon that you can tell what it is, but it has crazy cool features like no racoon we have ever seen)
So, maybe your metaphor can be for someone trying to get to the top, but they go about it the wrong way.
So the crazy racoon represents this person and the "person" (racoon) jumps on the heads of frogs in a pond. While he makes in across the pond, the frogs all sink to the bottom. (representing all the people they stepped on to get to the top) Then maybe the racoon sneaks onto the back of another creature and goes along for the ride. (reprenting a person that doesn't do any work but takes credit for it) So this racoon experiences all these metaphorical events then finally at the end it finds the shiny thing in the hole that it was looking for and grabs it and gets stuck. (representing the money and success you can get...but when it comes down to it...you can't take these things with you when you "go")
I think something like that could be interesting for the audience to try and figure out the metaphor. Or maybe you did plan on making your story a metaphor, but I'm just silly and didn't get the right idea!
Anyways...awesome start and good luck!
Thanks for the comment and the idea but for me a metaphor is not what I'm looking for because this is for little kids and their parents and little kids don't think on a metaphorical basis. SO yeah thanks for the comment and the idea but as i said I'm going for little kids and mainly the first thing they look to are dogs and cats, other animals are second to them.
This is a funny story, what about using a human instead of a hairball? I don't understand what the quarter has to do with the fire hydrant, what did the quarter make the hydrant do? Petco has a lot of activity, what if another animal gets in the way, another pup, or a cat of some sort, maybe even a bird. There could be a big race to the hydrant, and who ever gets there first, gets it. Nice story though, good start. I like the end of the story, nice line.
Good Job!
this story reminds me kinda of an indiana jones adventure. pretty sweet idea. I think you should use another pet store name....make one up. I think you need to be more clearer on the quarter. What the quarter for? was he suppose to get something from the hydrant when he put the quarter in beside a hair ball coming at him...maybe he was expecting some else but instead a hairball came out. Maybe he puts the quarter in and then try to take the golden hydrant..but when he try to take it the the hairball come out at him....I though you character was a pup...it look like a racoon....exgarate some of your charater features....that will give you a closer idea to who your character is. This ia a good story just work with it a little more.
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